WalMart's GET IT ON THE SHELF contest voting starts March 7

WalMart is hosting a 'get it on the shelf' contest for independent authors and publishers to get the books shelved in WalMart. Voting starts March 7. Walter Knight, author of the humorous military sci-fi series AMERICA'S GALACTIC FOREIGN LEGION has entered a video promoting his series.

PLEASE VOTE - go here - http://www.getontheshelf.com/product/1187/"America's-Galactic-Fore

TUESDAY TIPS AND TIDBITS - Sci-fi for 'real men'!

AMERICA'S GALACTIC FOREIGN LEGION sci-fi series author Walter Knight was recently interviewed by Hank Brown at The Two-Fisted Blog, which focuses on what real men read (you know, those guys that supposedly don't eat quiche). Check out the first half of the interview, which was posted on The Two-Fisted Blog and read the entire interview at Virtual Pulp Press. Politically incorrect or not, Walter's views are straight-shootin' from the hip.


Politically Incorrect Sci-Fi?

2FB: I am pleased to present this interview with science fiction author Walter Knight, who has 14 books (so far) in his America's Galactic Foreign Legion series published. I had put some of his books up on Virtual Pulp Press before realizing this was the same Walter who occasionally commented on the Two-Fisted Blog. Welcome, Walter! Tell us about the AGFL series.
WALTER: Thank you Hank for inviting me to the 'Two-Fisted Blogger'.

America's Galactic Foreign Legion is a 14 book science fiction series using humor to depict a strong America taking humanity and American culture across the galaxy to fight aliens on a distant planet colony. AGFL started out as serious “Starship Troopers” type military science fiction, but soon evolved into something else, something special.

I explore the Americanization of space. What does that mean? In the universe I create, after several wars, America is forced to share a distant planet colony with the Arthropodan Empire. They're spiders. In fact, humanity is alone in a galaxy full of various bug civilizations.

America's Galactic Foreign Legion maintains a fragile truce with the spiders across a DMZ, but our real secret weapon is our culture. The aliens succumb to American culture when we bring in the heavy artillery: satellite TV, fast food, McDonald's, Walmart, the Mafia, drugs, alcohol, casino gambling, sports betting, football, baseball, Nike sports products, skateboards, the Teamsters Union, the internet, gold rushes, immigration, Starbucks coffee, cigarettes, MREs, terrorist insurgency, lawyers, democracy, freedom, American music, and sex. The aliens belatedly try to legislate against the Americanization of their culture, but resistance is futile.

I draw a parallel with the Americanization of third world countries in our real world. For example, you have Kentucky Fried Chicken in Baghdad, and McDonald's hamburgers in Pakistan. Rioters in Egypt complaining about American influence carry iPods, and wear American T-shirts and Nike shoes. Iran and China tried to legislate against American influence by restricting internet use and banning satellite dishes, but it's too late. America has already won. It's just a matter of time before the whole world becomes American.

America's Galactic Foreign Legion has been described as politically incorrect, and I will admit some of my legionnaires have issues, and are a bit shady and unethical. Some will steal anything not nailed down, and the lead character is a compulsive gambler. However, unlike other military humor (M.A.S.H. and Catch-22, for instance), my books have a positive American military spin. If humanity ever crosses the galaxy, it will be on American starships. No one else can do it. Is portraying a strong future America politically incorrect? I don't think so. Some people just can't handle a strong America. Too bad, so sad, for them.

2FB: Pontificate a bit on the state of science fiction, where it came from, how it got to the point it's at now, and where you see it going. Also how your books fit into it, and/or into the military sci-fi niche.

WALTER: Science fiction represents about six percent of book sales. It truly has become a niche market. Many publishers will not even consider Sci/Fi submissions, considering the genre unprofitable. Divide science fiction into speculative fiction and fantasy. I do not consider tales of magic and vampires to be science fiction, and it irritates me to see real science fiction forced to share shelf space with such books.

Science fiction is sub-categorized even further into end-of-the-world stories, zombies, space exploration, and military science fiction. I have created even more of a niche market by leaving the Star Trek type starships behind, and writing about infantry soldiers. The humor aspect leaves America's Galactic Foreign Legion all alone among new science fiction.

I am not happy with the current state of science fiction in books and film. Science fiction has been abandoned to liberals, with their sorry tales about failed ecology, Apocalypse America, U.N.-type galactic governments, evil corporations, politically correct female warriors, and anti-military rhetoric. Someone needs to bring back John Wayne. I suspect that Hollywood and the Big Six New York publishing establishment is biased, and suppresses conservative science fiction. At the very least there is a void that I will gladly fill.

2FB: Oh you suspect that, do you? Personally, I suspect the Al Capone mob sometimes engaged in behavior that could be construed as possibly illegal. How long did you try to get somebody in New York's attention before you got published?

WALTER: My story started out similar to many other writers. I sent my manuscript out to every publisher and agent I could find online, getting back many form rejection letters. To my dismay I found that large publishers did not want unsolicited manuscripts from new authors, and required I submit through an agent. These days you almost need an agent to get an agent. Finally an agent in his rejection letter gave me some sage advice. He advised that I write a sequel. He stated that no matter how well I write, one-hit wonders are unprofitable, and no agent will touch them.

Read the complete interview on VPP, where you can also find links to all 14 books in the series.

Walter's books are available in ebook and print, available through popular online book retailers like Amazon and Barnes and Noble and Smashwords!

And don't forget FREE KINDLE TUESDAYS this month featuring Walter's VAMPIRE IN THE OUTFIELD

TUESDAY TIPS AND TIDBITS - Free Kindle Tuesdays in January

Every Tuesday in the month of January, we're offering a free Kindle copy of the novella, VAMPIRE IN THE OUTFIELD, by Walter Knight, author of the popular humorous military sci-fi series AMERICA'S GALACTIC FOREIGN LEGION.

SOME REVIEWS:

Amazon customer Victor Standish had this to say about VAMPIRE IN THE OUTFIELD... "This is my new favorite read. I laughed. I cried. Ah, that last when my ghoul friend, Alice, smacked me on top of my head for ignoring her while I was reading it. This book will brighten whatever day in which you read it. You will not regret reading this one. Walter has done it again, Victor Standish (I'm borrowing Roland Yeomans' computer to do this.)"

Fellow author Natasha Larry had this to say about VAMPIRE IN THE OUTFIELD... "I can say that I gobbled down this story. I'll go ahead and say this is some of the best vampire fiction I've read in awhile. Now, is it serious vampire fiction? Absolutely not, and that was the point. It was also why I loved it. I think I laughed through the entire thing. Vampire in the Outfield is about a young man who wants to play baseball more than he wants to do anything else. The only thing is...he isn't very good...hence the steroids. Then he comes across a hot piece of....you know...and she turns him into a vampire. Now he has to deal with that age old question....can vampires play baseball? Well, yes they can...still, it is a bummer...being a vampire and not being able to pose for all those publicity shots. After all, vampires have no reflections. He doesn't fly or sparkle either...and now, he has to take on the evil empire, namely, the New York Yankees. Vampire in the Outfield is a brilliant, tongue in cheek comedy about the world of vampires and baseball. It is quick and satisfying, which is a rare combination, and as such I am recommending it to anyone that has a sense of humor."

BOOK SUMMARY:

VAMPIRE IN THE OUTFIELD
by Walter Knight
Fiction, humor, vampire

New humorous paranormal novella in ebook from the author of AMERICA'S GALACTIC FOREIGN LEGION series. A young man who just wants to play baseball in the major leagues ends up going to some questionable extremes to get his wish. A humorous look at baseball, vampires, and the Evil Empire (the New York Yankees) in a future where scouts will sign just about anybody – human or otherwise – if they can hit and play ball.

Get it here

TUESDAY TIPS AND TIDBITS - Seasonal Science Fiction Humor

SCIENCE FICTION HUMOR

Here's a bonus short story about Santa in the alien futuristic world of Walter Knight's AMERICA'S GALACTIC FOREIGN LEGION military scifi series. This short story appeared at the end of BOOK 11: CEMETERY CITY. (Warning: Some adult colorful language.)

Enjoy...

A Galactic Christmas Story

Arthropodan planetary defense radar systems confirmed what light diffraction sensors had detected days ago. A lone alien spaceship, probably of human design, was inbound from human pestilence space. The craft evaded pursuing space fleet and planetary fighter interceptors approaching the remote north polar region, emitting gold and silver tinsel chaff to avoid radar and missiles.

Alarmed and angry, the Emperor broke the glass case containing the cherry red hot-line communications device, a direct emergency line to the President of the United States Galactic Federation.

“What new reckless adventurism are you up to this time?” accused the Emperor, watching a sleepy President appear on the monitor screen. “Trespassing on our home world will not be tolerated. Extreme measures will be taken!”

“What?” asked the President. “I do not know what you are talking about. Do you know what time it is? Explain yourself!”

“You dare deny your provocations? Our entire space fleet is on alert. If any harm comes from your continued irresponsible behavior, I will hold you personally liable. I will hold all of humanity responsible.”

“Your Majesty, my commanders are briefing me of the situation as we speak,” replied the President, looking down at a flash message just handed to him by the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “They assure me there are no ongoing special projects anywhere near Arthropoda.”

“You admit you spy on us!”

“Now, see here,” replied the President, testily. “You wake me up on Christmas Eve with outlandish accusations from light years away, and expect me to just drop everything and take it?”

“Yes!”

“Fuck you!” shouted the President, hanging up.

* * * * *

The President immediately regretted his outburst of temper. Aides turned away, pretending to have not heard.

“Get the Emperor back on the line, and make the necessary diplomatic apologies,” he ordered. “Blame misunderstandings and a faulty translation device, and sun spots.”

“Yes, sir,” replied the nearest general.

“Christ, man! I don’t need this nonsense. The elections are less than a year away, and the press breathes down my neck every time I turn around. Put our space fleets on alert.”

“Yes, sir.”

“The last thing I need is another diplomatic flap with those damn spiders. What do you think the Emperor is up to now?”

“The Emperor is under domestic pressure to institute parliamentary reforms,” advised the Director of the CIA. “The fool is pandering to his public to cause a distraction. He wants to preserve the absolute power of the Monarchy as long as possible.”

“I knew it!” exclaimed the President. “Freedom and democracy is not in their DNA. That will be their downfall. Alert our allies.”

* * * * *

“Your Majesty, the bogey just changed direction, and is now flying at treetop level in an attempt to avoid detection,” advised a spider general. “The craft is headed straight for Capital City.”

“Do something!” demanded the Emperor, wringing his claws and pacing. “Our capital must me protected at all costs.”

“Perhaps we should take shelter below the palace, suggested the general. “The Americans always attack command and control centers. They think they can shock-and-awe us.”

“The human pestilence president seemed surprised by my call,” commented the Emperor. “I can read their faces. Every lie is given away by muscle twitches and eye movement. Their president might be telling the truth.”

“Yes, Your Majesty, but I suspect a ruse.”

“I want confirmation of who, or what, is attacking us. If we are at war, I want to know who we fight. It could be those pervert scorpions causing trouble again!”

“Interceptors will make visual contact shortly,” advised the general, in constant communication with planetary defense forces. “Satellites images will soon be available, too.”

As if on queue, sonic booms shattered windows as the interceptor jets flew overhead.

“Your Majesty,” interrupted a staff officer. “Our pilots report receiving human pestilence radio communications. I am putting the transmissions on audio speaker.”

Immediately the speaker erupted with a cheery human pestilence male voice. “Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas and goodwill to all galactic species!”

“Veer away from Capital City,” responded the lead pilot. “We will direct you to a safe zone where you will land your craft and surrender. Resistance is futile!”

“I knew it was the human pestilence all along!” shouted the Emperor, pounding his desk. “Devious devils!”

“It appears the Americans are broadcasting seditious propaganda on our frequencies,” advised the general. “It is a common diversionary tactic. They hope the peasantry will rise up in revolt.”

“Nose-counters would think that,” agreed the Emperor. “There is a lesson to be learned here from their weakness.”

“Oh, my God!” radioed the pilot, panicked. “We are being hit by a blinding red light!”

“Ho, ho, ho! On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen! We must deliver presents and good cheer down chimneys before dawn!”

“Did you hear that?” asked the Emperor. “They target chimneys! A whole squadron of human pestilence attacks our civilian population centers! Shoot them all down, now!”

* * * * *

“Mr. President, I am putting through our ambassador from Arthropoda with an emergency message.”

“Mr. President? Ambassador James Yamashita here. Uh, bad news, sir. I fear this day will live in infamy. The spiders just shot down Santa Clause.”

“Those bastards! Any hope of survivors?”

“No, sir.”

“Not even those cute reindeer?”

“No, sir. It was horrible!”

“Rudolph is dead?”

“Sir, they nuked Santa!” exclaimed Yamashita, weeping. “What do we do now? Cancel Christmas? What about the holiday sales? My wife is already camped outside Walmart. There will be no new and improved Kindles delivered this Christmas for anyone!”

“Dump all of my Amazon.com stock shares,” ordered one of the generals, immediately on the phone to his broker.

“Ambassador Yamashita, deliver your diplomatic credentials to the spiders. You are immediately recalled to Earth. I intend to ask Congress for a Declaration of War against the Arthropodan Empire.”

* * * * *

“Ho, ho, ho! Kill Santa? That’s a good one! Bring nukes to a magic fight? Ho, ho, ho! Bad idea! Ho, ho, ho! Let’s move it, Dasher and Dancer! Pick up the pace, Prancer and Vixen! We’ve got hundreds of thousands of more Kindles to deliver tonight!”

###

TUESDAY TIPS AND TIDBITS - The Funny Side of Cultural Contamination

The US is scheduled to withdraw troop occupation of war-torn Iraq by December 31, 2011. Associated Press http://ap.org posted a story by Bushra Juhi on November 26 that aptly summarizes cultural effects of US occupation, which began in 2003.

According to US Embassy sources, nearly half the population of Iraq is under age nineteen, and with the heavy US-soldier presence, tough-guy hip-hop attitudes have infiltrated the country’s youth culture. A twenty-two-year-old Baghdad rapper calling himself ‘Lil Czar’ dreams of becoming a star in the US. Many youth don hoodies, call themselves ‘hustlers’ or ‘punky,’ listen to 50 Cent and Eminem, and watch Twilight movies. Skin exposure, a cultural taboo for the Iraqis, is now blatant among youth of both sexes who wear tight revealing clothing to show off their tattoos. As US soldiers prepare for departure, youth raid dumpsters to find cast-off uniforms and other memorabilia, including hats to wear with the brim turned around backward. The waiting list for English classes can be full for months. Of note in the article was a picture of a local Iraqi restaurant sporting a blatant rip-off of the McDonald’s name and themed logo color scheme.

“This is what I’ve been writing about all along in my America’s Galactic Foreign Legion series,” says science fiction author Walter Knight. Knight’s sixth book, Culture War, in particular humorously demonstrates the cultural contamination when two vastly different societies clash.

Knight’s series, although classified as military science fiction, focuses on the cultural aspects of America in a setting three hundred years in the future on the distant planet of New Colorado caught in a tug of war between the United States Galactic Federation and the Arthropodan Empire. Knight’s alien spiders draw many parallels from today’s world cultures where stricter codes of behavior are still observed.

“I see our culture as a secret weapon to take over the world,” Knight says jokingly.

(Blog note: A direct link to the AP article was not available at the time of this posting.)

TUESDAY TIPS AND TIDBITS - Black Friday Ninja Shopping

Black Friday Ninja Shopping

The following is a public service announcement to warn families about

the dangers of shopping in Walmart on Black Friday.

DISCLAIMER: This post may contain references

in quotes or excerpts that could 'alienate' some readers.

 

__________________________________

Everyone in capitalist America who owns a television set knows what BLACK FRIDAY is. But, for those of you who are somehow clueless despite the bombardment of shopping ads all over the media, here's a little background.

Black Friday is the day after Thanksgiving, when everyone crazed from cabin fever (being cooped up in the same house with relatives no one wants to see, much less share a meal with) bursts forth in a frenzie to complete official Christmas shopping (because most of them have the day off from work). Black Friday is the retail industry's last great hope of the shopping season for the fiscal year, as traditionally 90% of sales for the year happen on this day. Black Friday is dubbed as such due to the financial accounting reference to 'black' meaning positive revenue, as opposed to 'red' meaning negative revenue or loss (as in, 'Boys, we might as well close up shop. We're in the red, and it's a financial hole so deep, we ain't never gonna crawl out of it').

Because NINJAS (martial arts master assassins armed with stealth silence, invisibility, super speed, swords, and throwing stars) always wear black, it's natural to put the two terms together. Everyone who's ever been trampled in a store sale stampede knows you have to be ruthless like an assassin to get those Christmas shopping bargains before they're all gone. Take no prisoners! This is never more true than in the stores of the global retail giant, WALMART.

Science fiction humorist, WALTER KNIGHT, author of the series AMERICA'S GALACTIC FOREIGN LEGION, has perfected Black Friday Ninja Shopping at Walmart to a science. In his words...

After studying past Black Friday riots, I personally feel only people with a 'black belt in shopping' should venture there. I don't take a cart so I can carry electronic items above my head through narrow isles and past crazed fat ladies and aliens with carts. I pay at the register of the most expensive department (watches & jewelry) to avoid long lines at the front of the store. I use my height to advantage to elbow slow short old people who create deadly delays and bottlenecks. It's called ninja-shopping.
-Walt

To demonstrate the serious dangers of Black Friday shopping, even in the future on distant planet New Colorado overrun with an alien spider population, here's an excerpt from one of Walt's books...


AMERICA'S GALACTIC FOREIGN LEGION
Book 6: Culture War
by Walter Knight
Science Fiction Military Humor

EXCERPT:

The New Gobi City Walmart was purposely built straddling the MDL so that both humans and spiders could shop at the same store. The MDL was painted in red and yellow down the middle of the highly waxed floors. The success of this business model had been expanded to other Walmarts and businesses in the DMZ.

Although the spider Governor of the North Territory tolerated trade between the North and South as a necessary and inherent evil, he was not going to allow the infamous annual Black Friday sale at Walmart to continue another year. Black Friday was the day after the American Turkey Holiday & Feast when Walmart held a huge pre-Christmas sale on all items in the store when the doors opened at the stroke of midnight Thursday.

Thousands of Arthropodan citizens lined up waiting for Walmart’s doors to open. In years past, stampedes resulted in injuries, fights, and heart attacks. Last year there had even been a death by trampling. The governor’s problem with Black Friday was not the good sales at an American store, or the rowdy crowds, or even the mixing of the species at an American-inspired event. His problem was that Arthropodans would be Christmas shopping. It appeared to the governor that, once again, the insidious human pestilence had manipulated Arthropodan habits and culture with American decadence.

If Arthropodans were shopping for Christmas, it meant they were also celebrating Christmas, and all had been lost. The governor was determined that the end of Arthropodan culture on New Colorado would not happen on his watch. Nor would the end be allowed to incubate on New Colorado and to spread to the rest of the Empire. The governor gave the order that Black Friday would be shut down on the Arthropodan side of Walmart.

By Thursday night, many spiders had already pitched tents and formed lines in the parking lot on the north side of the New Gobi Walmart. It was a festive social event. Friends from the outlying districts who had not seen each other since the first of the year at Walmart greeted each other with hugs and plotted shopping strategies. The good mood soured, however, when a company of Arthropodan tanks, armored cars, and infantry marines arrived and deployed between the crowd and the store.
“I am sorry,” announced the spider commander on a public address system. “Access to Walmart is closed. There will be no pre-Christmas shopping allowed at midnight, by order of the governor. The doors will remain locked.”

As a precaution, the front doors were chained and padlocked. The spider commander continued to explain to no avail that Christmas shopping was an American trick to impose Christmas on Arthropodan culture, and would not be allowed. The shoppers booed and hissed and drowned out the commander’s voice. As midnight approached, the crowd grew to thousands. They pressed in on the company of nervous spider marines.

At midnight, a Walmart employee and an Arthropodan marine team leader appeared inside the store and hung up a large ‘CLOSED’ sign on the glass doors. The crowd got louder and more militant, throwing shopping carts and asphalt chunks from the parking lot at the marine armor. However, after a while, the enthusiasm of the crowd started to wane. As the spider commander appealed to their sense of duty and patriotism, spider shoppers started to disperse. Most spiders considered themselves to be a law-abiding and orderly species from a law-abiding and orderly culture. They abhorred mob rule, and a sense of relief swept over shoppers and marines alike as the crowd started going home peacefully.

Then it happened. The spark needed to ignite already frayed tempers was the sight of human pestilence shoppers inside Walmart loading up their shopping carts with boxes of electronic appliances and tech gear. Some Americans waved at the spiders from behind the large plate glass doors. They held up their bargains for the spiders in the parking lot to see. Others just gave the one-fingered salute and giggled.

The taunting was too much for the spider shoppers to accept. Thousands of angry spider shoppers pushed past the marine barrier and smashed the glass doors with concrete from pulled-up light fixtures. They poured into the store, grabbing merchandise off the shelves and from Americans shopping carts. Fights ensued, followed by a nasty riot. More than one spider rioter was run over by angry fat ladies pushing shopping carts. In the end, no one paid for any merchandise. The five-fingered-discount sale ruled the midnight madness. Walmart was emptied of merchandise and trashed. A Merry Christmas was had by all.

__________________________________

Be careful out there, folks!

TUESDAY TIPS AND TIDBITS - Book 12 of the AGFL series just released

America's Galactic Foreign Legion

Book 12: The Ark

by Walter Knight
Science Fiction / Political Humor

When a huge ship is found buried deep beneath a desert oasis in an unpopulated area of New Colorado’s New Gobi Desert, the race is on between the United States Galactic Federation and the Arthropodan Empire to claim its secrets. General Manny Lopez simply wants to loot the technological treasure. However, the spiders believe the ship is the mythical Ark from their tales of old.

As Caldera Lake is suddenly overrun by the Galactic Foreign Legion and spider marines setting up camp on opposite sides of the line of demarcation running through the middle of the lake, it’s soon discovered that the tranquil looking oasis does not offer a relaxing resort setting. Something’s swimming in the lake, and it’s hungry. Despite the danger, hotels and restaurants spring up to handle the influx of tourists and the curious making pilgrimages to catch a glimpse of the Ark.

The race between the two sides continues amid disagreements and skirmishes unavoidable in a clash of cultural differences. But it’s all done in a sportsmanlike manner – at least that’s what Colonel Joey R. Czerinski ‘The Toe’ and General Manny ‘The Ear’ Lopez claim.

Hungry crocs, graffiti taggers, midnight commando raids, tawdry torture, and lots of fried chicken all take a turn fueling the laughter in this twelfth tale of the seriously silly military space saga.

Contains the novella Vampire in the Outfield, first time in print!

EXCERPT:

Chapter 1

I am Colonel Joey R. ‘The Toe’ Czerinski of the United States Galactic Federation Foreign Legion, assigned to planet New Colorado. They call me ‘The Toe’ behind my back because my big toe was bitten off during combat by an alien, earning me another Purple Heart. The truth is that the incident did not take place during combat, but rather during a compromising situation I prefer not to discuss, because I don’t remember that much about it. While I’ve sustained plenty of injuries, not all of them in combat, I’ve endangered my life enough that the Purple Heart commendation is deserved – just not for the incident of record.

After several wars, New Colorado remains divided at the Equator between humanity to the South and the spiders of the Arthropodan Empire to the North. Vast stretches of border are uninhabited, covered with desert dunes. The desert is where I find myself now...

* * * * *

I was ordered to investigate a weak alien distress beacon, of the type found on some starships. It emitted a signal from the vicinity of Caldera Lake, a long narrow oasis straddling the border a thousand miles from civilization. Caldera Lake was formed centuries ago from ancient glacial ice trapped atop a volcano buried by shifting sands. The oasis and its palms were a stark contrast to the miles of surrounding desert. Standing in the shade of a Legion shuttle for relief against the stifling heat, I gazed out at the calm waters of this odd isolated lake.

“There’s nothing here,” I complained. “This mission is a waste of time.”

“The New Gobi Desert tourist guide says Caldera Lake has fish,” advised Lieutenant Perkins, checking the database on his pad.

“Is the water drinkable?” I asked, stripping off my uniform for a swim. As always, the New Gobi Desert temperature was at least 110 degrees. “There is nothing here for us to find, unless something crashed and is hidden in that lake.”

“The water is slightly salty,” advised Lieutenant Perkins, still reading. “We need to filter the water before drinking. There may be unknown parasites.”

“Whatever,” I said, jumping in. “The water is great! It’s warm, but soothing.”

Lieutenant Perkins frowned as he continued reading. “Sir! It says something about crocs!”

At first, the word ‘crocs’ didn’t quite register in my brain. “Crocs?” I asked. “What do you mean crocs? Are you talking about those big water lizards in the tropics, with all the crooked teeth?”

“Sir! Get out of the water! Do it now!” Lieutenant Perkins began firing his assault rifle over my head into the ripples behind me. I treaded water as fast as possible, looking back but seeing nothing.

“What was that all about?” I asked upon reaching shore. “There are no crocs here.”

“False alarm,” replied Lieutenant Perkins. “I just shot up a log floating just below the surface.”

“Don’t ever do that again,” I ordered. “I can’t even get a good swim without you ruining it for me! Damn rookie butterball lieutenants!”

As I cursed Perkins, another shuttle landed on the next dune, just across the border. Spider marines poured down its ramp, smartly establishing a secure perimeter. An Arthropodan officer strode up to me like he owned the place.

“Czerinski! You and your human pestilence are trespassing!” announced the spider commander. “Leave now!”

“We are on our side of the border,” I replied, still dripping wet from my swim. “The Legion will leave when it pleases us to do so, not before!”

The spider commander pulled a small electronic device from a pouch. Holding the device over his head, he shot a red light beam along the ground, east and west for fifty yards. The beam extended across the dunes, and even across my bare feet.

“This line shows the exact location of the border!” explained the spider commander, still holding the device aloft. “You will not trespass even one inch on Imperial territory!”

I took an exaggerated step back. “Are you happy now?”

“No!” replied the spider commander. “I am never happy when you show up. What are you human pestilence doing out here? Stealing our water?”

“We’re busted,” I said. “I drank some of your precious water a few minutes ago. Do you want it back?” Already naked, I urinated across the red line. The light flickered and went out as the spider commander jumped back to avoid being doused. “This place is worthless anyway.”

“I ought to cut your hose off!” shouted the spider commander, drawing a large jagged combat knife. “Tell me the truth! What treachery is the Legion up to now?”

“I am scouting this beautiful beachfront property to determine its suitability for building a new hotel casino resort,” I confessed. “So far, I love the view, and the fine swimming. You should consider investing. There will be a substantial real estate boom. Soon, this whole beach will be lined with casinos and condos.”

“You better remember the North Shore is ours. There will be no human pestilence casinos or condos on the North Shore!”

“Of course,” I agreed. “I was just giving you a heads up because you are my friend. I intend to buy five-acre lots as soon as possible. If you snooze, you lose when it comes to real estate investments.”

“Why are you naked? You human pestilence are ugly enough with your clothes on. Without clothes, you are disgusting. Get dressed immediately. You will stay clothed at all times when visible from the Empire.”

“Did I tell you our new casino resort will be a nudist colony?” I asked. “Naked gamblers from across the galaxy will flock to this very oasis for carefree fun and frolicking.”

“For debauchery, you mean!” accused the spider commander. “There will be no frolicking in public view. You human pestilence are all a bunch of perverts! Don’t think I don’t know how you lost your toe. I saw the video on the database of you having sex with a scorpion.”

“Not another word! You slander me at your own peril! Do you want to start another war?”

“Yes!” answered the spider commander. “I’ll fight you any place, any time!”

“Now listen here,” I replied, the voice of reason. “We both have a mission, so let’s not makes things more difficult. Caldera Lake could be a cushy assignment, and we need to make the best of it. For example, I just got out of the water from a swim. The water is great! It’s so relaxing. Research indicates the high mineral content has medicinal qualities. You should try swimming. A swim might help lower your high blood pressure.”

The spider commander peered suspiciously at the calm lake water, still keeping several eyes on me. “Are there indigenous creatures inhabiting that lake?”

“The fishing is great. There are small water lizards that frequent the shallows. They’re quite friendly. Crocs are a favorite pet among children of Old Earth. The crocs like to bump against your leg while you wade. Don’t worry. If they get too aggressive, just swat them on the nose. If that doesn’t work, poke the croc in the eye with your bloody stump!”

“Your Old Earth pets have no business out in the wild. They are like their masters, an invasive nuisance species always sticking their snouts across the line where they do not belong!”

* * * * *

At midday, the temperature soared to 120 degrees. The spider commander and his new Military Intelligence officer waded cautiously deeper into the lake. With Arthropoda being a dry planet, swimming was a novel and refreshing experience. Maybe Czerinski was finally telling the truth about something. The spider commander kneaded his foot claws in the mud, contemplating the medicinal qualities of the so-called mineral water.

The spider commander spied a croc slowly drifting closer like a log. Its nose and eyes appeared just above the water’s surface, leaving a small ripple in its wake. Closer, closer. “Old Earth vermin!” shouted the spider commander, swatting the croc on its snout. The croc lunged its huge head out of the water, snatching the spider commander’s claw. The croc violently pulled the spider commander under, beginning its death roll. The spider commander was saved only when his claw snapped off, allowing his escape to shore.

* * * * *

“That monster was never a child’s pet you lying, treacherous human pestilence!” accused the spider commander, shaking his bloody shredded stump at me across the lake. “I’ll get you for that!”

“Quit whining!” I yelled back. “Your claw will grow back! You’ll be okay when the pain stops! Did you poke it in the eye?”

* * * * *

The spider Military Intelligence officer accessed ‘crocs’ on the Intergalactic Database. “The human pestilence nearly hunted crocs to extinction on Old Earth to make boots and wallets from hides. It is true that baby crocs were once sold to children at pet stores, but the crocs often were flushed down toilets as they got larger. Abandoned, the crocs survive by eating floating turds in sewers under major USGF cities.”

“That monster was never anyone’s pet!” repeated the spider commander, firing his pistol at a ripple in the water. The croc dived out of sight.

###

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Book Review: Vampire in the Outfield by Walter Knight

Okay, so I lied in the title of this blog post as this isn't a book so much as a short story.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way I can say that I gobbled down this story. I'll go ahead and say this is some of the best vampire fiction I've read in awhile.

Now, is it serious vampire fiction? Absolutely not, and that was the point. It was also why I loved it. I think I laughed through the entire thing.

Vampire in the Outfield is about a young man who wants to play baseball more than he wants to do anything else. The only thing is...he isn't very good...hence the steroids. Then he comes across a hot piece of....you know...and she turns him into a vampire. Now he has to deal with that age old question....can vampires play baseball?

Well, yes they can...still, it is a bummer...being a vampire and not being able to pose for all those publicity shots. After all, vampires have no reflections. He doesn't fly or sparkle either...and now, he has to take on the evil empire, namely, the New York Yankees.

Vampire in the Outfield is a brilliant, tongue in cheek comedy about the world of vampires and baseball. It is quick and satisfying, which is a rare combination, and as such I am recommending it to anyone that has a sense of humor.

Walter Knight is also author of: America's Galactic Foreign Legion, a series of books licensed and produced through Penumbra Publishing.